Recently I have had some very interesting online interactions. I believe in karma, and so I believe it’s important to be nice to people. If someone sends me a message on a dating site I try my best to respond to him, even if I’m not interested, if only to tell him that. Now, of course, this philosophy doesn’t include the “hi”, emoji, “you’re gorgeous”, or clearly copied and pasted messages that I receive. If someone displays to me that they have taken the time to actually read my profile and send me a well thought out message, I feel it is only proper to respond. But the stories I will share now make me have second thoughts about that.

A guy had sent me a message on a dating site, so I, in turn, checked out his profile.  Sure, the site had us at a low match percentage, but that doesn’t really matter to me, I like judge things for myself.  But when I looked at his profile I decided that I was not interested, I don’t really recall why.  I sent him a message letting him know.  I said something like “Thanks for the message, but I don’t think we’re a great match.  Good luck to you.”  Yes, I throw in “good luck” in a lot of these messages because I really do wish people the best in this jungle we call online dating.  I then received back the following message:

First of all, it’s “silly rabbit, Trix are for kids”.  What you said (along with your grammar) makes no sense.  Also, because I am not interested in you I am brainless and naïve?  I am so glad I didn’t waste my time trying to talk to you!

The day after this exchange, I got a message from another guy.  I went to his profile and was interested, but also confused.  His location said that he was 2 towns over from me, but his profile stated he was going to be in town for a week.  The rest of his profile looked like he was looking for something serious, so I wasn’t sure what the deal was.  I even sent screenshots of his profile to a couple of friends to get their take.  They were both equally as confused.  Well, I wrote him back and also told him my confusion.  He replied and told me that he would be in town for a week and a half, that he actually lives in Cincinnati, but that while he was here he was going on some interviews so Boston could be his next home.  My response was “Good luck with the interviewing!  I’m not looking for a hookup.”  And his response:

So apparently it’s a bad thing that I was clear about what I want and don’t want.  I was just trying to be honest, and now I’m judgmental.

Another time, I received a message from someone, and I responded.  We had a couple of messages back and forth but, at the same time, I was trying to work on a project.  He asked me where I was from originally and I told him.  I asked him the same, and he told me that he grew up in Brazil.  Well, I didn’t get back to his message as I got caught up working on my project.  By the time I did get back to it I had also received the following:

Those are some seriously harsh words!!!  I was blown away.  It was not my intention to stop talking to him after he told me he was from Brazil, but after he flew off the handle like that, I saw no need to explain my position.

Probably the most ridiculous story was one night when I started talking to someone online.  From his brief profile and few pictures he seemed like a nice guy.  Right off the bat he complimented me, so that was very nice.  And then I got this rapid succession of messages:

Figuring he was joking with the first message (as the second one mentioned his sense of humor), I opted to ask how he sprained his ankle.  He then asked if I wasn’t going to answer the question or “are you super sweet and give me a shot before I put my foot in my mouth” (note: I realize there seems to be some broken English in his speech, but he is actually from this country!).   I asked if he was serious or joking and got this:

I told him that no, I am not in the business of using people’s bodies until I know them.  Then he told me he was on pain meds.  So I thought maybe I should give him a break.  This was a mistake, but it does make for a hell of a tale!  He asked me if he offended me and said he hoped not.  I told him I wasn’t offended but, just to be upfront, I am looking for something more than skin deep.  He did not know what skin deep meant, and then proceeded to tell me that he was currently interviewing and living at his parents “estate”.  So I broke it down to “so you’re unemployed and living at home.”  He started to write this big story about how he had been on his own since he was 18 (now 35) and had been in New York, but had to come home.  He didn’t say why, I didn’t ask.

Again, I felt like maybe he was being a little crass (I feel like I should be spoken to in a more respectful manner), but deep down was potentially a good guy.  So I told him to be himself, maybe stop talking about his dick, because I’m a good girl and I’m looking for something more serious.  Then he asked me if I would date a guy with a 2” penis.  Hmmm, what happened to it being huge??  At this point, he was definitely not getting anywhere with me, but I had to see what other outlandish things he was going to say.  I told him that I enjoy a good laugh but I don’t know him, he doesn’t know me, I have no idea if he’s being serious or trying to be funny.  He then told me that he was trying to say things to me in the most respectful way possible, but with some humor!!  I think we have very different ideas about respectful!  He told me I’m a sweetheart and I shouldn’t be single (I totally agree!).  He said he wants a woman to fall asleep on his chest on the couch.  So here he is kind of being sweet.  And then:

And that was the last I wrote to him.  I didn’t even respond when he asked me if we could go on a date!  I don’t know if he thought he was sweet talking me or what.  Through all these interactions it’s very difficult to keep hope alive that the right guy is out there.  But here I am, still hoping, trying to weed through all these frogs in order to find my prince!

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.  You might not be able to see what the reason is when you are in the thick of things, but you will eventually figure it out.  That is how I felt during my most recent breakup.  To be honest, the breakup took far too long.  He told me that he needed a few days to think (note to self: the next time a guy utters those words, RUN!).  Well, a few days turned into 2 weeks!  And then I had to get in touch with him to see what was happening.  During this two week period, I was a mess.  I had liked this guy a lot; he had introduced me to his friends, his parents, I went to his friend’s wedding with him; there was no indication that we weren’t on the same page, or headed towards happily ever after.  And then one day he asked me if I felt like he pushed me away.  Well, I hadn’t…until that moment.  A couple of days later he called (yes, even though I had seen him in person only days before, he waited and said this to me when he could be more detached) and said he needed time to think.  He specifically told me that this was not the end, he just needed a few days.

As these few days stretched on, I didn’t know what to do.  Was this the end?  My normal way of coping with things would be talking to friends and analyzing.  But what could I even say?  I told a few close friends what was happening.  I got reassured and told that things were good between us (they were!) and that I shouldn’t worry (I did); he probably just needed a little time to think.  I had long conversations with some great friends who counseled me with their own experiences.  I felt somewhat better…for a few days.  And then the silence continued, and grew so deafening I wondered if I’d ever be able to think about anything else ever again.  Before this break, I found out that he was going to have a get together at his place.  I found this out from one of his friends who mentioned it in front of me.  I had no idea if he just hadn’t gotten around to telling me, or if he wasn’t planning on inviting me (seriously, red flag #1 right there!).

The day of this gathering was coming up, and there was still radio silence.  I couldn’t make the first move; HE was the one who wanted to think so HE had to be the one to break it.  I decided I couldn’t just sit at home thinking about what he was doing.  So the day before his would-be party, I asked a friend what she was doing.  She told me that she had a going-away party to attend that night, but I could join her and she would come over earlier in the day.  That is a day I will never forget.  She came over with Panera Mac & Cheese (nothing better!), lemonade (also from Panera), Smart Food, and 2 large bottles of Barefoot Moscato wine.  We binge watched a TV show as we crafted (I knit while she cross-stitched), we broke into the wine sometime around 5pm, then we got ready for a night on the town.  When we got to the bar, we stood in line for at least an hour the cold…without jackets on!  Of course I thought of the party that was going on only a few miles away, but I was out and doing something instead of sitting on my couch and moping.  She took very good care of me that day, as did many friends throughout this “break”, which then turned into a breakup.  I believe this was the first lesson I was meant to learn from this breakup: my friends are amazing and will be there for me whenever I need them, with carbs and wine and a sympathetic ear.

Not long after he finally ended things, I had a skating competition.  Usually I am one of the first people on the team to get on the ice.  This particular day I was the last.  We were close to home, so we had a lot of fans in the audience.  When I stepped onto the ice the cheering was so loud it gave me such a sense of pride!  For the first time in weeks I felt peace, I felt like I was right where I belonged.  If we didn’t have a 3 minute program to skate, I may have broken down in tears right then!  In that moment I remember thinking “this is exactly where I should be.”  I re-discovered something I had always known, but maybe forgot a little; skating is my release.  It was something that was going to help me heal, and the ice will always be there for me when I need it.

My happy place: on the ice with my team

While these revelations weren’t actually revelations, since they were already things I knew, it took this breakup to bring them to the forefront of my mind.  Of course my friends are amazing.  Of course they want what’s best for me and would be there whenever I needed them.  Of course I would seek refuge on the ice.  These inherent truths are all pieces of me.  But something else I knew to be true was that, if this was ending, there must be something even better out there for me.  It was that thought that drove me forward, out of the funk I was in.  I wasn’t meant to be with him, and that’s ok.  My friends and the ice will be there for me throughout this journey to find love.  This experience made my friendships stronger and reminded me just how much I love skating.  The next time I need to talk things through, or simply skate out some emotions, I have no doubt that I will be able to.  And any man worth my time will know that the way to my heart is as simple as mac and cheese, moscato, and the ice!  He can just ask my friends!

Today’s blog is going to be a little bit different.  Instead of writing a ridiculous story about a date I went on, or a message I received, or some guy who I won’t even remember anything about years from now, I want to write about my parents.  Tomorrow is their 40^th wedding anniversary and 40 years with the same person is no small feat.  I’ve learned a lot about relationships and marriage by watching them over the course of my lifetime.  But, let’s start from the beginning.

Mom and Dad are from Watertown.  They grew up across the street from each other, but they weren’t high school sweethearts.  Mom is a year older than Dad, so they weren’t exactly in the same social circles, but being in a tight-knit Armenian community, they knew each other almost their whole lives.  They went to the same church and were on the youth group volleyball team together.  In fact, the two families were intertwined long before my parents started dating.  One instance is that my paternal grandmother babysat my uncle (Mom’s older brother) when he was a baby.  That was even before my paternal grandparents were married, and long before either Mom or Dad were born!

The way they eventually got together is nothing extraordinary.  There was no clandestine meeting, no star-crossed lovers, no pining away.  Mom’s friend wanted to go on a date with Dad’s friend, so they were dragged along.  The two couples would double date often until one day, their friends broke up, but Mom and Dad stayed together!  It’s such a simple story but, clearly, that was enough.

Mom and Dad on their wedding day

While navigating my own search for Mr. Right, I find myself thinking about my parents’ relationship more and more.  It’s been 40 years; clearly they know what they’re doing!  I’ve always seen their relationship as a solid one.  They are true partners in life, and they’ve really taught me what that means.  It’s not the fairy tale “and they lived happily ever after”.  Not everything is sunshine and roses.  They fight, they yell at each other, but they always calm down in the end.  I would not call my parents an overtly affectionate couple; I don’t recall any grand romantic gestures.  But in the past few months, with their 40^th Anniversary looming, Dad has surprised me.  We went on a Disney Cruise through the Panama Canal for the first 2 weeks of May to celebrate, and a few months ago Dad asked me to look into having their vows renewed while on the boat (by the Captain) because he wanted to surprise Mom.  Well, he eventually decided against it because it’s Disney and they would charge an arm and a leg!  But we’re having a party for them tomorrow (shhhhh, it’s a surprise!) and they will renew their vows then.

Dating is so different now than it was when my parents were dating, but in a lot of ways things haven’t changed at all.  There are still way too many frogs out there and not enough princes.  I tell Mom all of my crazy dating stories and I can tell that she’s frustrated for me.  It wasn’t until a few years ago that I really understood why.  I overheard her telling someone that she wants my brother to find a girl and me to find a guy so that we can be as happy as she’s been.  Of course I’ve always known that Mom and Dad are happy, but I think sometimes that gets lost in the minutia of the day to day.  To hear Mom say that she’s been happy in her marriage and wants the same for us is something that will always stick with me; Mom found the right guy!

Mom recently told me a story about when she realized that she really liked Dad.  They had been dating for a bit and they both had vacations planned with their friends (Mom went to Acapulco and Dad went to Puerto Rico).  While traveling around Mexico, Mom told her friend that she was having a fun time with her, but she missed Dad and wished he could share the experience with her.  What made this story even cuter to me is knowing that they went to Acapulco for their honeymoon!  So Mom did eventually get to share it with Dad.  Actually, while we were on the cruise there was a medical emergency and the boat had to anchor in the bay at Acapulco for a medivac rescue.  It’s the closest they had been to Acapulco in 40 years!  It was fun to see them trying to find the spots they had visited on their honeymoon.

The family with Mickey

Over the past few years I’ve seen a different dynamic between my parents.  I’m thinking it has to do with the natural transition that happens when your kids have grown up and moved out.  It’s only the 2 of them now, which hasn’t been the case since my brother was born in 1979.  The differences were most evident to me about a year and a half ago when Mom had hip replacement surgery.  This was the first time I’ve ever heard her gush about Dad (I think she called him “my hero”!).  I thought she was on some hefty pain meds but, actually, her praise was well deserved.  Over the course of her recovery, he did everything for her.  He did things I have never seen him do!  At 61 years old, I’m pretty sure he learned how to do laundry for the first time.  I saw him washing dishes and doing whatever he could to help her.  I grew up in a house where Dad worked and Mom ran things; Dad didn’t cook, he didn’t clean.  To go visit them and see him doing these things was a bit of a shock!

I know that I am really fortunate to have my parents.  They are amazing and do everything for my brother and me.  I am a 34 year old woman and my parents still come to my skating competitions!  Mom gets so nervous when we skate and cries afterwards (no matter what the outcome is), and Dad videos everything and makes my teammates laugh with his commentary.  I know that I am lucky to have them, and I also know that they are lucky to have found each other.  I can only hope that, once I find the right guy of course, after 40 years of marriage we’re as happy as Mom and Dad are.

I do not enjoy these first stages of dating.  I would 100% much rather be IN a relationship.  Trying to figure out what to wear, worrying about making a good first impression, wondering if you’re even going to like this person or if they’re going to like you; it’s not fun.  I don’t want to do it.  But it’s a necessary evil to get to the next stage.  So having 2 first dates in one week?  It’s not really at the top of my list of fun things to do, but sometimes when it rains it pours.

I had been talking to one guy, Shorty.  This name was given to him by friends, as I was a little apprehensive about responding to him since the height listed in his profile was the same as mine.  There is nothing wrong with that but (personal hang-up) it just makes me a little uncomfortable when I am taller than my date.  I forced myself to get over the height issue and we had some good conversations.  Soon we were texting.  I had a little bit of a busy week, so we had to delay meeting.  In the meantime another guy, we’ll call him Gretzky (yes, another hockey player!), started messaging me.  He asked when we could meet up.  I felt a little bad because I had been talking with Shorty for about a week and thought that maybe I should give him first dibs on a date, but he hadn’t really asked when I was free.  I asked a friend for her opinion and she told me that if Gretzky had his stuff together enough to ask me out first, he should get dibs.  I told him that I was available Tuesday or Thursday, and he chose Tuesday.  So when Shorty finally asked me when I was free, I told him Thursday.

Going into the week I wasn’t sure what to expect.  Over the course of our texting, Gretzky and I hadn’t really dived too deep in the conversation.  Shorty and I had been texting for longer, so we knew a little more about each other.  I thought that I might end up having more in common with him, but I went into both dates with an open mind.  Tuesday night I met up with Gretzky and it was clear pretty quickly that we had a lot in common.  I made mention of Disneyland’s 60th Anniversary and just his “yup” response made me take note because it seemed like he knew this information before I said it.  And my suspicions were confirmed when he told me that he is a big Disney fan!  We talked about vacations and families and work and all the normal first date things.  We laughed a lot and, before I knew it, it had been 3 ½ hours and it was definitely time to leave!  He walked me to my car and asked if we could get together again.  I didn’t even hesitate and said yes.  When I got home, I texted him and thanked him for a great night.  This is kind of a test for myself.  If I go out with someone and don’t feel any urge to text them afterwards, then I know for sure that I’m not interested.

I’ve had friends who have made dates with someone just only to have that someone cancel at the last minute because they went on another date and had a connection with that person.  I think this is horrible.  There was no way I was going to do that to Shorty.  Sure, I got a big smile on my face when Gretzky texted me, but who knows?  Maybe I was going to like Shorty even more!  Okay, so maybe it was bad news that I was texting with Gretzky right before meeting up with Shorty, but I was still determined to give him a fair shot.

I had a very nice time.  We had a good conversation about all those same normal first date things.  It had been a little under 2 hours when he asked if I was ready to call it a night.  We said good night and went our separate ways.  I did not have the urge to text him.  I realized that, even though the date had been not all that dissimilar from the one with Gretzky, I just didn’t feel any spark there.  He was nice, I had a nice time, but that’s where it was going to end.  Shorty texted me that night when I got home asking if we could get together again.  I was honest and direct and let him know that I had a nice time, but that I hadn’t found what I was looking for, and wished him luck.  He never responded.

I’m not saying that if you have multiple first dates in a week that you have to pick the best one and continue on with only that person.  By all means, date multiple people at once.  That situation doesn’t work for me personally; I’d rather focus on one relationship at a time.  As much of a pain as it can be, I guess having two first dates in one week really helped to give me perspective.   I think that if I hadn’t gone out with Gretzky, and had only met up with Shorty, I may have gone out with him for a second time.  But I’m also pretty certain that it would have ended the same way it did with Disney Drew…but that’s a story for another time!

Ghosting – the act of ceasing dating by disappearing and not talking to the person ever again.  I don’t know if I can think of a more childish way to stop seeing someone.  This happens way too often in this world of online dating.  It’s happened to friends of mine, it’s happened to me.

This is a Casper-free zone

I dated someone for about a month; we’ll call him Web Guy as he was in web design.  I liked Web Guy.  When we met the first time for a drink, I was immediately attracted to him.  On top of that, we had a great conversation.  It was just after Thanksgiving, and he told me how he spent the holiday with his family.  He was a hockey player, so clearly the figure skater in me loved that.  He told me about the men’s leagues (yes, plural) he played in and the teams he was on.  I found it charming because the way he talked about it was the same way I talk about my skating team.  I completely understood the bond he had with his team and appreciated his dedication to a sport he loved.  As only skaters/hockey players will understand, we discussed different rinks we’ve skated at, mostly saying which was the coldest or had the worst ice.  It didn’t take me long to decide that I would definitely see him again.

I did see him again, probably 6 or 7 more times.  We did all the normal date activities; Dave and Busters, movies, trivia night, dinner.  He texted me on Christmas morning to wish me a Merry Christmas and to ask what Santa brought me.  Everything seemed to be going really well.  One night in January we had gone to the movies, and everything was just like it was every other time we went out.  He bought the tickets, so I bought the snacks.  We had both taken the T, but my car was closer than his apartment, so I offered to give him a ride home.  He declined since my car (and my drive home) was in the opposite direction of his apartment.  We parted ways on the subway platform, and there was not even a hint that I would never see Web Guy again.

A couple of days later I sent him a text to say hi.  I had a competition the next day and was about to go to practice, so I wasn’t looking for a big conversation.  He said he had been running errands all day and that he was just hanging out with some friends watching football.  I told him to have a good time and went about my night.  The next day was very busy.  I had the competition in the morning, a family reunion in the afternoon, and practice at night.  Sometime in between the family reunion and practice I realized that I hadn’t heard from him all day.  At the movies we talked about the competition, so I had at least expected a quick text wishing me luck or asking how it went.  But I got nothing.  I had a weird feeling about that.  So I logged onto the dating site that we had met on.  Not only was he currently online, but he had also changed his profile picture!

Well, he was clearly not the right guy for me.  If he wasn’t able to see how awesome I am, and was actively looking for something better (come on, Web Guy, there’s nothing better!), then he was too dumb for me to waste any more time on.  I took that as my cue to delete his number and move on.  He apparently didn’t think I deserved to be told that we wouldn’t be seeing each other anymore.  And I decided not to waste my time getting in touch with him just to tell him how rude and immature he was to not even send a text saying he wasn’t interested in seeing me again.

I am very secure in who I am as a person.  I know that I am not clingy or overbearing or possessive in any way.  I am looking for the right person to share my life with, emphasis on share.  I am not looking to completely dominate someone’s every waking moment, nor am I looking for them to do that to me.  That being said, I did have moments after this when I was wondering what I did wrong.  And therein lies the biggest problem with ghosting.  It’s the ghoster that has the issue, the ghostee should not blame him/herself.  And it’s not just a self-reflection problem.  As I was writing this post, I was trying to figure out the best way to display that I didn’t do anything wrong; I wasn’t texting him constantly, I wasn’t demanding his attention, I didn’t behave like a spoiled princess.  And in thinking about how to best articulate that, I realized that I was doing it because I feared that a reader would perceive that I did something to drive him away.  Maybe that’s just my narcissistic view of human nature.

In the end we should not be thinking “she must have done something wrong”, we should be thinking “ghosting is not okay”.  What we need to realize is that in this culture of online dating, it’s too easy for people to be detached from what they are putting someone through.  People think that just because they’re never going to see this person again, that they don’t owe them anything.  Why deal with the drama?  The answer to that is very simple: everyone deserves respect.  If you go on a couple of dates with someone and you can tell that they’re interested, but you’re not, you need to let them know.  It is not fair to anyone to leave them hanging.  Trust me, they’re going to appreciate your honesty.  It’s not easy to put yourself out there with someone, but to have that someone, who you were starting to develop feelings for, treat you like you’re worthless?  That is unacceptable.

When I put up my first post for this blog, someone reminded me of this story. It’s not that I had forgotten it, believe me I could never forget, but it hadn’t come to mind because it was not an online dating story. With a quick comment of just 3 words: “White. Linen. Pants.” I remembered just how ridiculous this story was, and knew it had to be shared.

A well intentioned relative wanted to set me up with someone. I looked him up on facebook when she sent me his name, and my gut said no. Of course, I had my friends check him out as well. One of my best friends is always encouraging me to step outside of my comfort zone; go up to the guy at the bar and give him my number, go on dates even if I’m not attracted to the guy, etc. Being the girl that she is, she said “oh, he’s cute, you definitely need to give him a chance.” I did not think he was cute. But, okay, I’ll give him a chance. I gave my relative the green-light.

She told me that he was a big Sox fan, like me, and she was giving us tickets to a game for our first date. He was just leaving on vacation, but he would get in touch when he got back. He called me probably 5 days before the game, which was just after the 4th of July. I asked how his 4th was, he said he had been on-call for work, but had done some improvements around his house. His actual words were: “I painted my interior.” While on the phone, I said “oh, cool”, but then after I hung up I thought “hmmm, that was kind of an odd way to put things.” We also talked logistics of the date. I said that I would be coming from work, so we could meet somewhere around Fenway. He asked where I would be parking, I told him I’d park at work and take the T.

The day of the game rolls around and I’m walking down Lansdowne Street to meet him in front of Jillian’s. As I get closer and closer I think to myself “Please don’t be him, please don’t be him, please don’t be him.” No such luck. This guy is standing in front of Jillian’s wearing white linen pants, some sort of gauzy shirt, and is holding a hat. Is this a Sox hat? To this day I have no idea because he never put it on! The entire game, he held the hat in his hand. I am in no way offended by a man in a hat. On the contrary, I am pretty much a sucker for a guy wearing a Sox hat. This was an odd outfit to wear to a Sox game at any time, but this night had the potential for rain. White pants and rain? Could turn into a bad situation. Luckily that didn’t become an actual issue, just a fashion faux pas.

I meet him in front of Jillian’s and he has the tickets. He asks if I got to the park ok, did I drive? I say no, I drove to work and took the T. I tell him that I think we can go in at the entrance that is right across from us. He says, no, we have to go in Gate A. I say I’m pretty sure you can go in at any entrance, but he says the ticket says Gate A. Now I’m a bit annoyed because I just walked all the way down Lansdowne, and now I have to walk all the way back!

WLP (White Linen Pants) is very nice. He buys me a hot dog and a water, and offers to buy me a foam finger. I decline the finger. I can’t even tell you how many times during this game he offers to buy me an Italian Ice! A very nice gesture, but I’m all set. If you want one, by all means get it! Don’t let me deter you. So as we’re sitting and watching the game, I can tell that he’s trying to impress me with his knowledge of Fenway. Like he points out the numbers in right field and tells me that they’re the retired numbers. If I was told that he was a big Sox fan, I assume he was told that I was as well. I’ve been to Fenway more times than I can count; I know about the retired numbers, and, yes, I also know about that red seat in the bleachers. But, okay, I understand the nervousness of trying to find something to talk about. So instead of saying, “yeah, I know about the nuances of Fenway”, I decide to demonstrate to him that I do. I tell him “ugh, looks like the Yankees are winning.” He has no idea where I got this information from. That big green thing in left/center field? It’s not just a home run obstacle, it doubles for a scoreboard! I think at some point I mentioned the placement of the Sox in the AL East, and he also was not aware how I knew the standings. So now I’m seriously second-guessing this “big Sox fan” label. But hey, maybe he just doesn’t go to Fenway much.

Yes, I know what these are

Over the course of the night, he asks me a few more times where I am parked. Each time I patiently tell him that I’m parked at work, in Downtown Crossing. I should mention here that a friend of mine was getting married the next day and after the game I was headed to Newport to spend the night with some teammates in order to get an early start. Considering I had an hour and a half drive ahead of me, and the next day would be an early one, I was definitely looking forward to this date being over. But then the game was pretty exciting; there was a bench-clearing brawl! Along with the rest of Fenway, I jump out of my seat to watch the melee. Well, almost “the rest” of Fenway; WLP stayed seated.

The game ends, and we walk out of Fenway. One last time he asks me where I’m parked and I point to Kenmore and say “I have to go that way to take the T to my car.” He, thankfully, has to go the other direction. We say a quick good-bye with no discussion of getting together again. When I get down to Newport everyone is already asleep, but I text one of the girls (the one who brought up WLP after reading my first post), so she comes to let me in. She asks me how the date went. And, as she recently reminded me, all I said was “he wore white linen pants”. Enough said.

Through this experience, and through a bunch of other ones that I’ll write about too, I’ve learned that I just have to listen to my gut. Call it what you will; intuition, instinct, clairvoyance. As much as I value my friend’s opinions and seek them out often, I still have to listen to that tiny piece of me that’s saying “this isn’t the guy” or “go for it”. Yes, there are still plenty of times when I don’t listen to myself because I think I’m just being scared or judgmental or not letting myself be vulnerable, but at the end of the day I have this feeling that I knew it wasn’t right all along. I’m sure, as part of pushing myself to be more outgoing, I will continue to quiet that voice saying “no”. Maybe one of these days it will pay off because the man of my dreams turns out to be nothing I’ve ever expected.

There are a lot of things that annoy me with first interactions in online dating. At the top of the list is definitely the misspelling of my name. If you’d like to woo me, and my screenname is actually my name, take the time to proofread what you have written to me to at least make sure it’s spelled correctly. I understand that autocorrect happens, but please care enough about the potential of meeting/dating me to make sure the ‘k’, I am sure you typed, didn’t get corrected to a ‘c’. My parents named me EriKa for a reason, and the likelihood of me ever telling you the reason, or conversing with you at all, is severely diminished when I feel like you are addressing my childhood friend, who actually does spell it with a ‘c’!

I have gotten some ridiculous first messages on dating sites. If your message doesn’t make any sense, I am probably not going to respond to you. One time a guy said “let me guess, Woburn Showcase Cinemas”. I am pretty sure I didn’t ask any questions. Someone suggested that maybe he was trying to guess where one of my profile pictures was from. That could be the case, but in most of my pictures I think I look pretty nice, and I don’t typically dress up to go to the movies. That guy also had a main profile picture of him with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. If I was intrigued at all to find out what his message had meant, that all flew out the window with that picture. In this day and age, how do people think that’s actually an attractive quality?

Not at the movie theater

I’ve had people send me messages that just said “…”, “Wow”, “And?”, “????”, and even just emojis. If you can’t even start a conversation, how am I supposed to deal with meeting you? I am an intelligent woman. I’ll be honest; it does make me feel pretty good to get a “wow”, but please try to engage me in some way. Also, if I wink at you, that means I’m interested. What you should then do, if you are also interested, is send me a message. Winking back at me to put the ball back in my court doesn’t do wonders for my perception of you as a man. One particular instance, I did shake off my annoyance and sent the gentleman a message, only to never hear back. Hey, if you’re not interested, that is fine. But I winked at you first to clearly show my interest. You didn’t have to wink back if you didn’t like what you saw in my profile.

I have also gotten some interesting propositions. I’ve had at least 2 invitations for threesomes; one being with a couple, another being with 2 guys. I’ve had messages from a few guys looking for dominants. Those made me sad because they were young guys in their late teens/early twenties and it seemed like they’d never known a normal, healthy relationship. When one of these boys mentioned the household chores he would be willing to do, I did consider it! Hey, if someone wants to wash my windows, who am I to say no? I also got a message asking if I was into CBT. I did not know what that was, so I asked a couple of friends. They didn’t know either. Google wasn’t much help, as I didn’t think he was asking if I was into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. But then I saw “CBT urban dictionary” at the bottom of the page, and knew I was 1 click away from my answer. It was an eye opener and I encourage you to look it up for yourself. I don’t know what guy would ever suggest this, but good luck to you if you are a man, or want a man, who is into this.

I’ll leave you with an experience I recently had. A gentleman wrote me asking “how long did it take to blow those guys up, all weekend?!?” It took me a minute to realize that he was referring to one of my pictures, where I am standing with 2 inflatable Patriots players, Bubba and Tiny. I did what I normally do when I get a message; I looked at his profile and pictures to gage my level of interest. It was not high. I didn’t respond back. I’d like to note here that I do try to normally respond with a “thanks, but I don’t think we’re a good match” type of message. But with an opener like this, it didn’t really feel like it was necessary. The next day, after presumably seeing that I visited his profile, he sent me another message. This may be my favorite one ever received: “God, you are so dope I can’t even handle it”. Of course I found this funny, and my friend told me that she’s going to say that to me all the time now, but still I had no interest in this guy. About 5 days later he messaged me again saying “Had some awesome bagel world today haha”. Had I unknowingly entered into a conversation with him? Why would he write to me again, as if we were in the middle of discussing our days? Is Bagel World funny? I guess the bright side is, at least he didn’t try to spell my name!

Tiny, me, Bubba

I’m new to this whole blogging thing, but I thought it would be a good way to get out all of my dating frustrations and give other people a chance to laugh at the ridiculous things that happen. I figure a good way to start is by telling you a little about myself. I am a shy girl. I have always been shy. As my mom tells it, as a baby in my stroller, I was shy if anyone came up to “ooohhh” and “aaahhh” at me. Shyness is something that non-shy people don’t understand. I don’t choose to be this way, it’s not me being anti-social, it’s just who I am. Some girls are completely comfortable going up to a group of guys and starting a conversation. I am not one of those girls. I envy those girls. I am friends with some of those girls. I think that is part of what got me here; just about to hit my mid-30s and still single.

I look around and see friends my age married with families, or just starting them. I would give anything to be in that same place. My only long-term relationship was in high school/college. We were together for just short of 5 years. I ended things just after college graduation because I realized that he was not the right person for me. A big part of my life, since I was 5, is figure skating. He was not supportive of that. I don’t just mean that he wouldn’t come see me skate, because I honestly couldn’t care less about that. I mean he was actually upset when I told him that I made the synchronized skating team that I had tried out for, because he thought that this “skating thing” would end after college. There were a lot of reasons that we weren’t right together anymore, but that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Still doing that skating thing

After college I moved home and got a job and thought I had all the time in the world to find my soulmate. I didn’t consider online dating at the time; I figured that would come later if I didn’t find someone in a bar or through a friend or randomly walking down the street. I enjoyed my twenties. I went out with friends, I skated on my team, when people asked me why I was single I made excuses that work kept me too busy or that I was living at home. Those were lies. If someone had come along, I would have made time and it wouldn’t have mattered where I lived. Those were just the most convenient excuses, made by the shy girl who never had anyone come up to her at a bar and ask for her number. I ended up dabbling a little in online dating. I tried eHarmony, and got annoyed by the amount of time it took to actually get to open communication. I think my whole subscription yielded 1 date, and that didn’t work out. I tried Match and didn’t have much success there either.

In my late-20s I bought a condo and started living on my own for the first time ever. I loved the independence and the solitude! That was around the same time I started seeing everyone getting married. Not only my close friends, but also acquaintances on facebook. I started wondering where the right guy for me was, and how I would meet him. I went to a psychic. She told me that I wasn’t going to find him, he was going to find me. She said that I was going to be 30, almost 31, when I met him, and that I wasn’t going to meet him online. What a great relief for me! Except that it never happened.

I think, now that I’m in my 30s, I’m actually having more fun than I did when I was in my 20s. I am more confident and comfortable, and I even push myself to be more outgoing. It doesn’t mean that I’m not the same shy girl inside, because I definitely am, but I also know it’s not going to help me in the dating world. I now know what I want and, more importantly, what I don’t. I know who I am and have a good sense of self-worth. I don’t want to dupe anyone or waste anyone’s time, and I expect the same in return. I’m just a girl, looking for the guy who will make all of this waiting make sense.

My 30th Birthday