I had dated someone for a few months.  He was a few years younger than me and didn’t really seem to be settled in life; he had just changed careers, so was working an entry level job, and he was living at home with his parents.  Deep down inside I knew that he wasn’t Mr. Right, but he was a nice guy and I enjoyed his company.  I remember that it was somewhere around the 4th date when I knew he wasn’t The One.  I saw him and my stomach dropped.  Part of me thought “oh, this will be the last time I’ll see him”.  But then we had a nice day together; I remember laughing a lot.  I decided to not listen to my gut, and continued seeing him.

And I continued seeing him even after the next red flag.  One night he told me that the path he wanted to take at work might take him out of the state, to Texas.  He went on to tell me that maybe he wouldn’t have to go to Texas, because there were also some jobs in Boston.  Or maybe he wanted to go back to school to get a masters, and he’d do that around Boston as well.  Or maybe he wanted to go live in Italy for a few years.  My head is spinning just recalling all of his potential paths!  I was silent for a while, not knowing where he was going with this.  He asked what I was thinking and I just didn’t know.  I’m the type of person who really needs to collect my thoughts before offering an opinion.  I asked what he was trying to tell me and he said he just wanted to let me know where he was at.  He was fully aware that my whole life; family, friends, skating, work, were all in Boston.  Yes, this conversation gave me an uneasy feeling.  And I even had multiple dreams where we ended things.  But I still let the relationship continue.

In the few months that we dated, he would always come to my place since he lived with his parents about 30 minutes away.  He didn’t once stay over.  One day he told me that he had an appointment in Boston the next morning and that traffic would be tough.  I made the observation that he was more than welcome to stay at my place, closer to the city.  He got back to me a little while later and said that he was going to stay at home.  I was somewhat frustrated by this, which he picked up on.  That night we spoke on the phone and, of course, that was the end of things.

He said there was a reason he didn’t want to stay over.  He didn’t want to insert himself into my life when he was so unsure of what he was going to do.  He brought up again how he’s unsettled and didn’t know where he’d be in the future.  Throughout this conversation I really didn’t get upset.  I knew this was going to happen.  He wasn’t the guy for me and I had known this for a while.  But he kept talking.  He kept saying that he really liked me.  Again, I just said “I understand, it’s fine.”  What really got me, what really made me get emotional, was when he said “you’re so great and I kept trying to make myself feel something more for you.”  Something snapped inside of me.  I lost it.  I told him “do you really think that’s what I want?  That I want someone to have to force himself to feel something for me?  No.  I deserve better than that.  I deserve someone who thinks every day that he’s lucky he found me.”  I went on and on like that for a bit.  You get the picture.

Of course, in getting all of this out, my voice displayed my emotion.  I could also hear him crying on the other end of the phone.  Honestly, I wasn’t sad about things ending, I was annoyed at what he was saying to me.  I don’t ever want anyone to try to convince themselves of their feelings for me.  That’s not fair to anyone.  And I’m not able, nor willing, to feel enough for 2 people.  When Mr. Right comes along, he’s not going to have to force anything; the love will be there.  He’s going to be so excited to have found me, and he’s going to thank his lucky stars that I’ve waited this long for him to show up!

In the meantime, I know a lot of the blame is on me too.  I knew for a while it wasn’t right and I didn’t do anything about it.  I was enjoying his company and was ignoring what my subconscious was trying to tell me.  Sometimes I feel that I get caught in the dichotomy of listening to my gut and pushing past the doubt in my head, thinking that it’s fear.  In my recent dating life I have tried to really focus in on what my 6th sense is trying to tell me.  If I see a guy and my stomach drops, I now know it’s not fear; it’s really my subconscious letting me know that he’s not the right one.  Listening to that voice inside is what’s going to save me from unnecessarily risking my heart or wasting anyone’s time.  In hindsight, while I’m still irritated with what he said to me, I am glad he ended things when he did and it didn’t go on longer.