Ghosting – the act of ceasing dating by disappearing and not talking to the person ever again.  I don’t know if I can think of a more childish way to stop seeing someone.  This happens way too often in this world of online dating.  It’s happened to friends of mine, it’s happened to me.

This is a Casper-free zone

I dated someone for about a month; we’ll call him Web Guy as he was in web design.  I liked Web Guy.  When we met the first time for a drink, I was immediately attracted to him.  On top of that, we had a great conversation.  It was just after Thanksgiving, and he told me how he spent the holiday with his family.  He was a hockey player, so clearly the figure skater in me loved that.  He told me about the men’s leagues (yes, plural) he played in and the teams he was on.  I found it charming because the way he talked about it was the same way I talk about my skating team.  I completely understood the bond he had with his team and appreciated his dedication to a sport he loved.  As only skaters/hockey players will understand, we discussed different rinks we’ve skated at, mostly saying which was the coldest or had the worst ice.  It didn’t take me long to decide that I would definitely see him again.

I did see him again, probably 6 or 7 more times.  We did all the normal date activities; Dave and Busters, movies, trivia night, dinner.  He texted me on Christmas morning to wish me a Merry Christmas and to ask what Santa brought me.  Everything seemed to be going really well.  One night in January we had gone to the movies, and everything was just like it was every other time we went out.  He bought the tickets, so I bought the snacks.  We had both taken the T, but my car was closer than his apartment, so I offered to give him a ride home.  He declined since my car (and my drive home) was in the opposite direction of his apartment.  We parted ways on the subway platform, and there was not even a hint that I would never see Web Guy again.

A couple of days later I sent him a text to say hi.  I had a competition the next day and was about to go to practice, so I wasn’t looking for a big conversation.  He said he had been running errands all day and that he was just hanging out with some friends watching football.  I told him to have a good time and went about my night.  The next day was very busy.  I had the competition in the morning, a family reunion in the afternoon, and practice at night.  Sometime in between the family reunion and practice I realized that I hadn’t heard from him all day.  At the movies we talked about the competition, so I had at least expected a quick text wishing me luck or asking how it went.  But I got nothing.  I had a weird feeling about that.  So I logged onto the dating site that we had met on.  Not only was he currently online, but he had also changed his profile picture!

Well, he was clearly not the right guy for me.  If he wasn’t able to see how awesome I am, and was actively looking for something better (come on, Web Guy, there’s nothing better!), then he was too dumb for me to waste any more time on.  I took that as my cue to delete his number and move on.  He apparently didn’t think I deserved to be told that we wouldn’t be seeing each other anymore.  And I decided not to waste my time getting in touch with him just to tell him how rude and immature he was to not even send a text saying he wasn’t interested in seeing me again.

I am very secure in who I am as a person.  I know that I am not clingy or overbearing or possessive in any way.  I am looking for the right person to share my life with, emphasis on share.  I am not looking to completely dominate someone’s every waking moment, nor am I looking for them to do that to me.  That being said, I did have moments after this when I was wondering what I did wrong.  And therein lies the biggest problem with ghosting.  It’s the ghoster that has the issue, the ghostee should not blame him/herself.  And it’s not just a self-reflection problem.  As I was writing this post, I was trying to figure out the best way to display that I didn’t do anything wrong; I wasn’t texting him constantly, I wasn’t demanding his attention, I didn’t behave like a spoiled princess.  And in thinking about how to best articulate that, I realized that I was doing it because I feared that a reader would perceive that I did something to drive him away.  Maybe that’s just my narcissistic view of human nature.

In the end we should not be thinking “she must have done something wrong”, we should be thinking “ghosting is not okay”.  What we need to realize is that in this culture of online dating, it’s too easy for people to be detached from what they are putting someone through.  People think that just because they’re never going to see this person again, that they don’t owe them anything.  Why deal with the drama?  The answer to that is very simple: everyone deserves respect.  If you go on a couple of dates with someone and you can tell that they’re interested, but you’re not, you need to let them know.  It is not fair to anyone to leave them hanging.  Trust me, they’re going to appreciate your honesty.  It’s not easy to put yourself out there with someone, but to have that someone, who you were starting to develop feelings for, treat you like you’re worthless?  That is unacceptable.