I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.  You might not be able to see what the reason is when you are in the thick of things, but you will eventually figure it out.  That is how I felt during my most recent breakup.  To be honest, the breakup took far too long.  He told me that he needed a few days to think (note to self: the next time a guy utters those words, RUN!).  Well, a few days turned into 2 weeks!  And then I had to get in touch with him to see what was happening.  During this two week period, I was a mess.  I had liked this guy a lot; he had introduced me to his friends, his parents, I went to his friend’s wedding with him; there was no indication that we weren’t on the same page, or headed towards happily ever after.  And then one day he asked me if I felt like he pushed me away.  Well, I hadn’t…until that moment.  A couple of days later he called (yes, even though I had seen him in person only days before, he waited and said this to me when he could be more detached) and said he needed time to think.  He specifically told me that this was not the end, he just needed a few days.

As these few days stretched on, I didn’t know what to do.  Was this the end?  My normal way of coping with things would be talking to friends and analyzing.  But what could I even say?  I told a few close friends what was happening.  I got reassured and told that things were good between us (they were!) and that I shouldn’t worry (I did); he probably just needed a little time to think.  I had long conversations with some great friends who counseled me with their own experiences.  I felt somewhat better…for a few days.  And then the silence continued, and grew so deafening I wondered if I’d ever be able to think about anything else ever again.  Before this break, I found out that he was going to have a get together at his place.  I found this out from one of his friends who mentioned it in front of me.  I had no idea if he just hadn’t gotten around to telling me, or if he wasn’t planning on inviting me (seriously, red flag #1 right there!).

The day of this gathering was coming up, and there was still radio silence.  I couldn’t make the first move; HE was the one who wanted to think so HE had to be the one to break it.  I decided I couldn’t just sit at home thinking about what he was doing.  So the day before his would-be party, I asked a friend what she was doing.  She told me that she had a going-away party to attend that night, but I could join her and she would come over earlier in the day.  That is a day I will never forget.  She came over with Panera Mac & Cheese (nothing better!), lemonade (also from Panera), Smart Food, and 2 large bottles of Barefoot Moscato wine.  We binge watched a TV show as we crafted (I knit while she cross-stitched), we broke into the wine sometime around 5pm, then we got ready for a night on the town.  When we got to the bar, we stood in line for at least an hour the cold…without jackets on!  Of course I thought of the party that was going on only a few miles away, but I was out and doing something instead of sitting on my couch and moping.  She took very good care of me that day, as did many friends throughout this “break”, which then turned into a breakup.  I believe this was the first lesson I was meant to learn from this breakup: my friends are amazing and will be there for me whenever I need them, with carbs and wine and a sympathetic ear.

Not long after he finally ended things, I had a skating competition.  Usually I am one of the first people on the team to get on the ice.  This particular day I was the last.  We were close to home, so we had a lot of fans in the audience.  When I stepped onto the ice the cheering was so loud it gave me such a sense of pride!  For the first time in weeks I felt peace, I felt like I was right where I belonged.  If we didn’t have a 3 minute program to skate, I may have broken down in tears right then!  In that moment I remember thinking “this is exactly where I should be.”  I re-discovered something I had always known, but maybe forgot a little; skating is my release.  It was something that was going to help me heal, and the ice will always be there for me when I need it.

My happy place: on the ice with my team

While these revelations weren’t actually revelations, since they were already things I knew, it took this breakup to bring them to the forefront of my mind.  Of course my friends are amazing.  Of course they want what’s best for me and would be there whenever I needed them.  Of course I would seek refuge on the ice.  These inherent truths are all pieces of me.  But something else I knew to be true was that, if this was ending, there must be something even better out there for me.  It was that thought that drove me forward, out of the funk I was in.  I wasn’t meant to be with him, and that’s ok.  My friends and the ice will be there for me throughout this journey to find love.  This experience made my friendships stronger and reminded me just how much I love skating.  The next time I need to talk things through, or simply skate out some emotions, I have no doubt that I will be able to.  And any man worth my time will know that the way to my heart is as simple as mac and cheese, moscato, and the ice!  He can just ask my friends!