To state the obvious: it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything.  While it’s true that I haven’t been dating in the past 7 months, I also never intended to stop writing this blog.  As it so often does, life got in the way.  I was in a massive rut and I needed a shake-up; not just in dating, but in my life in general.  I was walking around with a black cloud over my head and I needed to change that or I was going to be miserable forever.  Someone once told me that when you’re driving a broken down Chevy, you see broken down Chevy’s everywhere.  And when you’re driving an Audi S8, you see those everywhere.  The meaning being, when you’re unhappy in your life you’re going to attract a similar personality and that’s not going to change until you do.  I was that broken down Chevy and I realized I needed to fix myself and make myself happy because no one else was going to do it for me.

I felt very stuck in my career.  I was working for a boss who made me feel marginalized every day.  No matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I did, it wasn’t enough and it wasn’t correct.  Every day I felt like I was bad at my job and, truthfully, I felt like I was drowning.  That kind of negativity not only affects you at work, it effects every aspect of your life.  My attitude about everything was negative and hostile because that was the world I was living in.  Work was so bad that I would snap at my parents when they asked me about it.  I even noticed my teammates treading carefully around the subject.  I began to see that the only thing that was making me happy was skating with my team.  Saturday nights at the rink for 6 or 7 hours was my salvation.

I needed a change.  Luckily, I have some great friends who passed my resume along to their bosses and one of those positions panned out.  I am happy to report that two months ago I left that toxic environment!  I didn’t believe it was actually happening until I had the signed offer in my hand.  My letter of resignation served as the vehicle with which I begin removing the boulders that had taken up residence on my shoulders.  As my last day drew near, I couldn’t keep the smile off of my face.  My job is still shiny and new, but I can already tell that the atmosphere is completely different.  Even though there is a lot I have to learn, I don’t feel like I’m drowning.  I no longer see the black cloud above my head and I just feel like a happy person again.

Now, when I look back, I can see what I was doing.  I was in a job that I hated because I didn’t know what else I could do.  I was miserable, and I was thinking “if only I weren’t single, I’d be happier”.  Sure, finding a man might have made me happier for the time being, but it wasn’t what I actually needed.  It would have been a short-term reprieve instead of a long-term solution.  And, honestly, what man wants to be around someone who is miserable?!  That’s not the kind of man I’m looking for.  Frankly, it was unfair of me to put that pressure on anyone.  This is all difficult for me to admit because I like to think of myself as a strong, independent woman.  So why would I put my happiness in someone else’s hands like that?  Like the car analogy, I was never going to attract the right type of guy without first being happy myself.

When it came to dating, I was constantly in a state of stress when I was going to meet someone new.  Whenever it came time to plan a date I always had to preface it with “so my job is a little crazy”.  I would plan something for a little later in the evening with the stipulation things could go wrong and I may be even later.  It’s like I was immediately on the defensive and would go out of my way to be overly accommodating because I felt bad that I wasn’t available at a normal time.  This job was my handicap in the dating world.

Now that I’m working a normal 9-5 job that doesn’t make me want to pull my hair out, I am looking forward to what the future will bring.  Nicer weather is here and I am excited to be able to meet people without the albatross around my neck.  I am back to being that cheerful girl who can go with the flow.  This is the real me.  I’d lost that for a while and I’m so glad to have it back.  So watch out because I ditched that dilapidated car by the side of the road and I’m ready to take this Audi for a spin!