Since it’s almost Thanksgiving I wanted to share a story about when my brother brought a girlfriend (hereby referred to as The Ex, as that is what she became) home to spend turkey day with our family. I hope that anyone reading out there who is going to spend the holidays with a significant other’s family will gain some insight into how you should behave, and even what that person’s family is REALLY thinking!
It was Thanksgiving Day and my brother had brought his girlfriend home. They were living together in another state at the time, so they had come into town the night before. This was not the first time The Ex had met the family, nor was it the first time she’d stayed at my parents’ house. She knew her way around and seemed very comfortable to be there. She had been over for Christmas Eve before, but Christmas Eve is more of an open house at my parents’ house, with all of us running around. Thanksgiving usually just has 9 or 10 of us, so it’s more intimate. It’s worth noting that The Ex is lactose intolerant. My parents, being the considerate people they are, always took care to keep this in mind while cooking. When Dad would make scrambled eggs, he would use 2 pans; 1 with butter and cheese, 1 without. This dietary restriction was especially concerning to Mom for Thanksgiving. Most of our normal side dishes have some kind of dairy in them. But she took care to make additional sides that The Ex could eat.
That morning we got up and started getting everything ready, as always. I set the table and got the appetizers ready while Dad ran around setting up tables and getting drinks and Mom got all the cooking going. Soon enough the family arrived and it was time for appetizers and football. The Ex was especially excited because her football team was playing in the early game. Finally the turkey was done and Dad was ready to carve, but the football game went into OT. Mom called my brother into the kitchen and told him that it was time to eat. He blew up and said that we had to wait until the game was over for The Ex, and that if it were the Pats playing we would have waited. Well, we did wait, and Mom got more and more furious. I started getting nervous because my good friend and her family were coming over for dessert. I didn’t want to be in the middle of doing dishes and putting away leftovers when they showed up.
We finally sat down to eat. Even though Mom claims that dinner was ruined that year because it sat too long, I don’t remember it being bad. I do, however, remember that The Ex didn’t say a word about the lactose-free side dishes. After dinner came my least favorite part of any family dinner: the dishes. As Mom washed, my cousin dried, and I dealt with the leftovers and putting everything away, I kept giving Mom a look; she knew exactly what I was thinking. Why hadn’t The Ex offered to help at all throughout the day? She didn’t offer to help set anything up, she didn’t offer to help clean up the table, and she certainly didn’t offer to help wash the dishes. As a matter of fact, she continued sitting at the dining room table while the 3 of us did all the cleaning. My family is very old fashioned in that the men don’t ever help with the dishes. Because of that, it’s always been my experience that when we are in the kitchen washing, drying, and putting everything away, that is when the gossiping happens. As a woman who was looking to potentially become part of this family one day, I didn’t understand why she didn’t try to get in on that. At that moment I made a mental note that whenever I would visit a boyfriend’s family I would be sure to do whatever I could to help set up or clean up or whatever was needed.
Luckily we finished the dishes just in time for my friend and her family to arrive, and for the Pats game to start! We all had a great time watching the game, chatting, and eating dessert. When the game ended everyone left, and we were once again left with a mess to clean up. Mom went back to the sink, I manned the dish towel, and Dad ran around getting everything in the house back in its place. All the while, The Ex and my brother sat on the couch with their phones, laptops, and iPads. I was the only one in the house who had to work the next day so I was especially irritated that they did not lift a finger to help.
Because my family is so close, we feel that we can say anything to each other. Soon after that Thanksgiving Mom called up my brother to let him know that this behavior, not just The Ex’s but his too, was unacceptable. She let him know that he was raised better than that. Soon after that call Mom got an email from The Ex saying that she had asked my brother a couple of times if she should help clean up and he said no, so she hadn’t. Sure, always a good idea to email a Mom and blame your poor behavior on her son. There was another situation with The Ex prior to that Thanksgiving that made us start to question whether she was the right girl for my brother, but Thanksgiving was really when that feeling started to solidify. It wasn’t that she didn’t do anything; it was that she didn’t even offer. If I had ever behaved like that at someone’s house, my mother would kill me! When someone invites you into their home, you show your gratitude by helping in any way that you can, and thanking them. That’s it, it’s not anything big; all you have to do is say thanks. After all, it is called Thanksgiving.
